(Copyright © Jack Cain 2016, text and images)
Alfred: The forehead has relaxed and the body is much more porous. It feels already as though its top half is penetrated by light and a certain warmth.
Alfred: It’s a strange sensation. The back is visible resting on earth with some small flowers. My body is on top of that – as if light is penetrating through my body and I can see underneath it. Something is present and can watch – as if the body is porous to the light.
Jack: And it shows you that you are actually lying on the ground – is that what you’re saying?
Alfred: Well, it feels like I’m horizontal on some kind of surface. But whatever it is that is below me is visible to me through the body. So the body is very porous. It feels transparent. And yet it feels like a body that is… It is my body in a way but…
Jack: So it is familiar…
Alfred: Yes, but the watching is coming from all around it, not from within but from my looking. It is being shown to me.
This place is something like a cemetery. But I’m not sure it is a cemetery. There is moss on the rocks… and it’s a flat surface… and my body is there…
Jack: But it’s certainly earth?
Alfred: Yes, it’s earth. Moist. Little flowers.
Jack: Almost a garden?
Alfred: No, it feels more like a field. But it’s not entirely wild. So that’s why I thought maybe it’s something like a cemetery. It’s not a cultivated field – it’s flat. The air is kind of damp. It feels England-y or… West-Coast-y… Misty and overcast. Damp.
There’s more that I need to be aware of, more that I need to gradually allow.
Jack: The awareness will expand no doubt and you will see more about the environment…
Alfred: A crypt-like feeling – or a cave. It’s not outside. There are people there.
Jack: Oh, so there are others.
Alfred: I begin to notice that there are others. They are above me. They are holding lamps that you carry with a chain. They contain an oil wick or a candle. It seems like they are circling the surface on which I am lying.
It’s very clear that they are wearing some kind of habits that look like the habits of monks – brownish, perhaps hooded.
Definitely need time with that to…
Jack: Yes, take your time. [pause]
Alfred: Gradually there’s a… I don’t know what feeling I have towards those people but… There’s a feeling of trust that seems to be there. I got a glimpse of someone with white hair. Not very old; kind of overgrown grey hair. A tall person. Maybe the person in authority or in charge.
It is a rock that seems moss-covered – the rock that I’m lying on.
I’m on the threshold of some feeling.
There’s the coldness of the rock and… It’s so clear that I cannot go to this directly, in the usual mental way – it requires something entirely different… It requires more relaxation of that reaching.
Jack: Yes, the relaxation is very important. [pause]
Alfred: There’s a kind of flash of confusion of being one of the brothers as well as the one who is on the altar. I’ll call it an altar. It feels like the site of a place that has tremendous importance and that has been a place of many such procedures or rituals. [pause]
Very narrow but very tall cave. I see it also from the altar and I see the ceiling of that rock formation into a point or triangle – like a pyramid, like an underground pyramid – perhaps it’s a real pyramid.
I was noticing light coming from the top and I was mentally looking for a source – for a window. But it’s windowless. The light is generated.
It’s almost as if I can’t place myself in a physical body in this whole scenario – there’s a certain… this transparent presence on the altar… but…
Jack: Are you saying that your body is actually on a kind of altar?
Alfred: Yes, yes, but it’s not a body that I can recognize. I don’t see a physical body. It’s that ethereal or astral body. It has a shape, and it has a form that is transparent. It’s more like a vibratory body or a luminous body. My experience is coming from that body and there is no physical body that I can place myself in.
I think I feel the brother’s contact – maybe the abbot or the older person by my head – holding my head in a certain way. Some contact with whatever it is – this luminous head that seems to be part of my body. [pause]
There’s a profound change in the quality of the light of the body from this white somewhat ethereal type of density to something more golden. [pause]
Alfred: It’s like the body is inhabited by this gold… whether it’s coated or… It permeates the body; it’s a golden… golden… more substantial in that way. The process has to take place in a way that’s… It seems like everybody around me participates in it. I’m the recipient of that. [pause]
Gap in my perception… but now… strange… I’m sitting on that altar… as if I’m now sitting up. I’m wearing a cape. Something transpired in my absence so to speak. Maybe the process was completed without my fully being aware of it. I’m sitting there on the altar with my feet hanging down.
I am now fully alive in a body and with the people around me who were, I think, bringing me back to life. [intonation of disbelief and surprise]
This is complementary to the last session but experienced from the inside. It’s very… I’m almost hesitant to allow that to be…
Jack: Maybe the main thing now is your feeling in being in that situation with them.
Alfred: It doesn’t feel that I am on very close terms with the people who have… with those monks… Or maybe I am… I think now I am…
Jack: So maybe you’re unknown to them, is that it?
Alfred: It feels like I’m making their acquaintance now. It’s like they have called me or summoned me or… whatever it was that they were doing… in response to something that was needed and now I’m showing up. Not because we know each other, but because some help was needed and I’m there. I’m somehow the answer to whatever they were needing or praying for. Not that I am but whatever it is that took place was a response to some… perhaps even an urgency now that it’s… Because I’m taken through a cave or through a passageway now.
Jack: So you’re moving.
Alfred: Yes, with those guys – they’re showing me, taking me some place in some urgency. For me to show, do – whatever it is that is needed. I’m a little ahead of myself; I need…
Jack: Take your time, take your time… [pause]
Alfred: There is some sense of a dire necessity of some sort that I need to help with.
But I’m feeling that I’m capable in terms of battle. Leading some type of a battle or… protection of their monastery or of their land or… It seems like I’m called to protect the place. [pause]
I think we’re entering an abbey. I’m with them. It’s like a sitting. A place that is dimly illuminated. Very saturated with the vibration of generations of spiritual practice. We need to enter it and completely give ourselves to prayer.
It feels very momentous – like on the other side of this there will be something of… It’s hard to know and I don’t want to guess… Everybody is kneeling. I have a place at the center there, or close to the abbot. Everything is required for this prayer. Feelings are coming. [sharp breaths in]
I wish to say that this is a preparation for all of those brothers to face death. It’s their final teaching, final prayer. It’s very specific.
I think I mentioned to you the name of the last Cathar chateau or fortress – Montségur – where the Cathars made their last stand and where after a night of siege they gave themselves up. A sense that this is how they spent their last night. [pause]
It’s as if they look to me for guidance since I have materialized or incarnated right in front of them to instruct them about the reverse of incarnation. To help them somehow to allow them to give up their bodies. To let go of the future… as they know it. [pause]
It feels that with each brother in their order, I experience again the terror of their situation of letting go. I am with them, with each one.
There are some young monks for whom it is particularly difficult.
It feels like there’s a certain blockage in the solar plexus because it’s so horrifying to allow them to give up their spirit. Whatever that means. But without that I don’t think I can be of much help to them. Without opening to that feeling, to that sadness. [pause]
There’s an awareness of the pressure of the time of the dawn approaching at which time they will have to give themselves up and that pressure prevents me from just letting go. I’m just in front of that with not much to do. Not being of much use. This will be a time for prayer. [sharp breath out] Something begins to open.
Jack: You say not much to do but maybe something to be.
Alfred: I am completely powerless and helpless and I know that help will come from elsewhere. I just need to be there to receive something.
The kind of distraction now is very specific. Any type of counting on relief or expecting anything or grasping completely blocks this process.
Jack: So you need to focus on the light, right?
Alfred: Completely. But also being very sensitive to all kind of attempts to drive this process – because of the terrible urgency. In the face of that I need to stay completely… still. [pause]
The heart releases. [pause]
Breathing for everyone. [pause]
Breathing together. [pause]
Breathing in light. [pause]
It seems like the physical bodies seem to be moving around but on command or in obedience to the luminous bodies.
I can see whole families – the parents, the siblings, dear ones – and how they cannot let go of them. How heartbreaking this is. [pause]
The necessity of this is very clear. And to the extent that I can become freer, they can as well. And I cling too. It feels like there’s a thread still to the physical body. At the same time, there’s a kind of commotion – like a preparation. People are lining up in front of the door outside of the center.
Jack: Is there still a connection to the filaments in the last session?
Alfred: It feels directly informed by that, now that you ask.
Jack: I just thought that I should say that.
Alfred: It’s very good that you did.
It feels like this is the immediate application of whatever it was that was received in the last session. Helping these brothers with their transition.
Jack: [whispered] Yes.
Alfred: And I’m not doing too well.
Jack: It’s all right. Relax into it.
Alfred: It’s like asking Jesus to guide me here.
Jack: Yes. Indeed. There’s nothing wrong in asking for help when it’s needed.
Alfred: It feels like mercy. He’s sending something at the right time.
The teaching of the breath. One breath for all. It helps.
It is a breath that is not at all connected to the physical body. Just given as a verification. Almost feels like the letting go of this… they’re grasping at my arms or something at this point. Something is compelling them to let go: it is this breathing. I feel like they had their fingers deep in my arms and in my elbows and it feels like that frantic holding is releasing as they breathe with me, as they discover that for themselves.
Feeling. [strong emotion in the voice]
It feels so simple when I’m receiving the help.
I think there is daylight now entering that place. People are beginning to line up and walk out. I’m dreading what I’m about to see. I don’t want to be present to this. [pause] [Strong emotion continues]
I’m not even sure I’m seeing it but words like “massacre” and “slaughter” appear. But there’s no point in seeing all that because there’s the breath.
Jack: Yes, you need to stay close to the breath. It’s not what you’re seeing; it’s what you are. [pause]
Alfred: It’s like I know my turn comes as soon as everyone in front of me has been killed. I’m witnessing something similar to that body that I experienced at the beginning – it’s floating up or hovering. It’s with great relief that the transition is being made as I proceed towards the execution. I don’t feel anything.
It’s almost as if the anticipation of some pain is surprisingly absent as I’m hovering above looking down on the path. Bodies. I think I can identify my body with the cape without any great investment in that particular form – almost like a garment that was discarded, you know. But there’s an anxiety or concern about counting and making sure everybody is with us. Not sure about that.
Oh, God… It’s so…
I barely succeeded and there’s not yet relief. Barely succeeded here.
Jack: Well, it was a huge responsibility – one that you were carrying alone.
Alfred: With your saying that comes feeling. [sharp breath out; strong emotion in the voice.]
Relaxation. Formation of that umbilicus. That tie now feels a little stronger.
I am repeatedly in front of the memorial at Montségur [France]. I stopped there July last year and looked at the symbols on the memorial – a memorial for 210 of the last Cathars who gave themselves up, refusing to abandon their faith. And I was so overcome there by sadness. And I knew that when they stepped out and came down from the mountain they were not the same. They were not afraid. They were not identified with their bodies. They were ready. They made the transition. They died before the Pope’s forces killed their bodies.
The purpose of the witnessing in the last session is so much clearer now. It is a teaching. And I realize that each of my comrades who witnessed that transformation is somewhere teaching that in similar dire circumstances. [pause]
I think there’s a certain burden of responsibility – not only for those brothers who have just been slaughtered but how little help is available and how few we are to help that passage. So many make this passage in terror. [sigh]
Jack: Is there any further assembly of those people who have passed? Does anything happen next with that?
Alfred: I think we are collected towards some kind of center.
Jack: Yes. That’s what I was wondering.
Alfred: Perhaps even the same place where all the people witnessed the resurrection or coming to life of Christ [in the last session] – the coming back home, to the base.
People coming to report on their first attempts at putting the teaching into practice. [pause]
Yes. It feels like it might be a kind of gathering – a kind of a debriefing – a kind of a meal shared. In a very big hall. [pause]
And Jesus presides over it in some way. I’m not clear but there’s like a “head table.”
I’m very clear about the struggle I was involved in. It’s almost as if I was given the charge so early and so young. [sigh]
I died… I was barely able to get those individuals across so to speak… because of my fear, you know.
Jack: But that’s the real purpose of what you’ve just seen… to understand that better, don’t you think?
Alfred: I’m actually in his gaze, in Jesus’ gaze right now. His beatific smile. He looks at me. He’s catching me doing a job on myself, you know. It helps me melt that harshness. Light is directly emanating from him, from his eyes, from his face. There’s no importance to all my nonsense, you know. “Should have…” “Could have…” It feels so much like the ordinary mind invading this. Just let go. [pause]
Tears are flowing you know…
Jack: Of course.
Alfred: …with the feeling that I belong here… that I haven’t failed, I haven’t failed them, I haven’t failed him, I’m just…
Jack: And you haven’t failed yourself.
Alfred: No. [voice shaking] But the magnitude of that… Everything is needed. [pause]
I’m now more aware of those people sitting on benches – to my right, to my left and in front of me. All kinds of planetary bodies – all kinds of formations. I think I saw wings some place and… I don’t want to be caught by curiosity but it’s… It doesn’t matter at all. I have my place at the table – as we said before. [previous session] [pause]
Jack: How would you describe the feeling of that assembly?
Alfred: It’s our home, it’s our home, it’s our… It’s where we come to receive our daily bread. And receive the light.
Alfred: But at the same time, it feels quite like what we would call a dining room. But I’m not sure what we’re dining on. There’s no food in front of us. It feels more like an absorption of something.
Jack: But the important thing is that you’re doing this together… this absorption.
Alfred: Yes, we all belong in it together. It feels quite enormous. There are a lot of beings. And still it feels like few in relation to the demand. It’s a much larger circle than there was in the last session around him.
Maybe more… Maybe those people who transcended or moved on. Maybe those bodies have ascended here and are in the service of helping others in that passage.
It’s clear there’s a mounting demand for this type of labor.
Jack: Yes. This type of effort.
Alfred: Yes, I was too preoccupied with my little performance review to mention, to notice how much light is in the hall. And it is the light that is connecting us all. It passes through him at the center, coming down from the top, from high up. We can also witness that he receives that. And then it reaches us through him, through his body. We are all one. With the feeling of one. [pause]
It’s so clear, so immediate. There is no effort in it, no reaching. And the contrast between that state and what it was like to be in the sanctuary with the brothers. How distant and how hard it was to have access to that then. And yet it happened.
Jack: Yes, that’s the important thing – it happened.
Alfred: Something about the receiving when in the center needs to be understood more fully so that some of it is more available as I move away from the center and I’m back on my own. [pause]
It’s in the receiving of the breath. All the words are just around that – they don’t really touch that center.
And how the breath can be in the service of the light.
Other postings in this series: Bodies, Bluish, The Cosmic Cleanup Team, The Joy of Taking My Place, Rescue & Ascension, A Continuity of Being, Creation, Rescue, The Empty Seat at the Table, Toxic Green, Pristine Stillness, What Is Breathing, Merging with the Light, The Alchemy of Transmuting Blue to White, Ascension, Montségur, Flood