(This posting continues the previous one and will complete in the next one.)
In Alfred’s previous session, “The Empty Seat at the Table,” we were left with a sense of something unfinished, something unresolved – a mission that had not accomplished what needed to be accomplished. So it was not surprising that this session, “Toxic Green,” took us into the heart of the matter.
The sessions being posted on this blog can be read as adventure stories – and they certainly are that as well. But for the person on the journey it is more than that. The adventure is being lived and the person’s individuality is impacted, shaped by the profound and often deeply moving experience. Unresolved issues can find resolution. So I was not surprised that in the short discussion Alfred and I had before beginning the current session, he brought the following observation about the important-looking individual that the ship had been waiting for:
“He allowed me to look at his face as long as I wished and it felt as though there was a teaching in his allowing me to look at him – taking him in without lowering my eyes in righteousness or whatever. It took away my feeling of smallness and made me feel like a co-worker, a co-pilot in the situation. It became a healing of my sense of self-worth.”
It was with a great ease that the next session began, continuing very naturally from the previous one:
Alfred: Right now there is an image, an image that is saturated with feeling, of that empty seat at the table where we left a marker last time – almost like an invitation to resume our journey from that place.
The mission was not completed. And there was a painful awareness that although the efforts were valiant and very intense, they didn’t meet the requirements. I was encouraged at that time not to feel bad about it, recognizing that it was the best possible effort at the time… but still it didn’t meet the requirements.
Jack: Yes, there was still a problem with the radiation not getting through, a blockage.
Alfred: I’m aware now of a little relaxation in the forehead.
Jack: Your voice is clearer than when we began. [Alfred was suffering from a cold and was congested.]
Alfred: The breathing is a little freer.
It’s very clear how the work is for the larger good but how individual benefit can also accrue from that type of effort. In a way, that’s what gets us around the table as all of us are intent on completely giving ourselves to that…
Jack: Yes, I was similarly engaged in a very powerful session for someone yesterday and I was able to work until midnight.
Alfred: There’s a clear sense that the people around the table are my blue brothers. And I’m still struck by the size of their craniums.
Jack: Yes, much larger than ours – which says something.
Alfred: It feels like something is preparing inside me and around the table too. Not much can happen without further instruction so it feels like something has to be clearer in my system before I can proceed.
Jack: We need to take our time – as you said, there’s a gathering – something is being concentrated. At the same time the current congestion is just in the physical body; we’re working at a different level, so it shouldn’t really interfere. [pause]
Alfred: There’s an opening to the light that begins to appear in the area of the solar plexus. [pause] It opens up the possibility of giving oneself more fully to this. I’m on the edge of fear. Something is possible. It’s shared with the others. It feels like a circle of light – all around the table.
Jack: The others have similar experience?
Alfred: I’m resonating with everybody; part of one organism. This is quite visible. [pause] It is exactly the way you described earlier – the physical body is taking a diminished place in the larger sensation of being. [pause]
There’s a little static still in the in-between-ness. Between my ordinary awareness and that finer vibration – kind of little blockages. Ordinary sensations take over – like my headache.
Jack: So just notice that’s the case and keep your concentration on the part that needs it. [pause]
Alfred: Strong vibration in the forehead area.
Jack: I was trying to decide whether or not to remind you of the forehead and I decided not to. [Both chuckle]
Alfred: Co-piloting. [pause]
It feels like my head conforms now to the blue dimensions. At first it felt like a helmet of sorts. But it’s not. It’s just that it’s part of this particular organism. It’s not my ordinary-sized skull.
An opening. Still very aware of the constrictions evident in the third eye – but being present to that, noticing it. A pulsating that is gradually diminishing – a low frequency that is embedded in a much finer vibration. Everything is very blue. A transparency from inside and outside the organism. A wonderful feeling of going through this with the others – the fact that we are unseparated again. There’s a certain force that comes with that common vibration around the table.
It is clear that it’s something about our availability and not about the situation outside that is called for. Our availability needs to be challenged further while the dire situation outside remains the same. We know all we need to know about the outside situation. What we are becoming clear about is what we need to accomplish with our effort and with our work.
Jack: So the concentration is on what’s taking place in the room.
Alfred: That’s right. That’s where the solution or the remedy may need to be found. It becomes clear that it will involve, for lack of a better word, something that will have to be given up further. Something unknown. [pause]
There’s this kind of a scary image of the comfort of that room, the togetherness, and that the purpose of that is really to prepare us for exiting and giving up that sense of camaraderie or resonance with the others in order to be penetrated by the radiation. From where we are that radiation is very scary and toxic.
Something about the truth of that is very clear in the solar plexus. A sense of recognition that the requirement was known all along – distraction and other stuff has interfered with that knowledge. And fear.
I have an image of my body, my blue body being penetrated by this green. It feels green. It is a turquoise radiation that we consider to be the source of the problem. It would be considered toxic or even lethal from where we stand. Basically we are called to die to something… to this present blue incarnation – to give up that form.
Alfred: It feels like all of us. It’s not precise. I know it directly. I can’t speak for the others. There’s a knowledge that accumulates – I spoke about it last time – a knowledge that is an antidote to the fear. A knowledge that the form is not to be honored.
Until things reach a certain critical mass, it’s impossible to move beyond this paralysis, this stalemate. There’s nothing to do but to allow. [pause]
I’m praying for a transformation that I cannot bring about by myself.
Jack: Is there any question of help from another, higher level?
Alfred: Yes that’s it precisely. It must be directed to us from a higher level.
Help me God to know, to act in a way that is true to what is necessary.
Jack: Something has to be received doesn’t it?
Alfred: Yes, yes. Exactly.
It’s always the same kind of realizing that again there’s a tightness around the forehead that opens up in such moments. It’s so interesting. It closes up without my awareness and then I become aware that it has closed off again. A subtle kind of refocusing is required. Something has to become very active in the mind. [pause]
It is possible to see that the form of the present incarnation is transparent. There’s a film, a transparent layer to this being that I am. The form is not all that it claims to be.
Jack: It thinks it’s complete but it’s a shadow.
Alfred: That’s right. I’m speaking about the blue form now – with the increased head size. That form is not any more real than my terrestrial form. That form has its own restrictions too. The effort when I’m in the terrestrial body is similar to the effort when I’m in the blue body. Somehow there’s always something that begins to convince itself that it exists separately.
Jack: Do you mean your sense of “I” shifts?
Alfred: Yes it does. In fact it’s hard to keep track of its location as that sense of “I” moves between the two bodies. When I am in the semi-transparent form of the blue body, I am much more open and available to go through what from that perspective is called “dying.” It’s a very different process. The form is not held onto so tightly.
The experience is confusing to the “I” because even though I am now inhabiting a blue semi-transparent form, the fear of dying could be a projection into my “I” from my terrestrial form lying here on this sofa. [pause]
There is now a flow directly to the third eye. Maybe through a tube or something. It feels like a feeding. Some substance is being received that fortifies whatever needs to be fortified in that blue body.
We have a pre-knowledge and a clear view that all of this is preparation for exiting a capsule into a certain place that is much less hospitable and could even be lethal to this form – to whatever it is that may need to be discarded.
That anticipation seemed almost like a distraction – it’s how a blue would be anxious about the next task. But I think it’s coming from my terrestrial incarnation. I can separate from that and allow the process of feeding, of receiving to complete itself.
Jack: Yes, you do need to separate.
Alfred: There’s a sense of lawfulness in the task we are called to complete here. A similar sense in what is absolutely necessary for all of us as a group to evolve. Individually it feels like a necessity for each of our journeys as well as for the system at large – no difference. So that any attempt to claim that I don’t need to undergo that… is contained by that oneness. [pause]
It’s like a river – that green flow that was viewed from inside the ship. Now it is much closer. It appears differently. It feels real. It looks like a river of energy. Emerald green, light emerald green with dark spots in it. Repulsive in a profound way – threatening. That’s the kind of feeling it would have. Basically a fear-driven feeling.
Jack: Just see it for what it is.
It’s like a launching pad or some place where we gather as we await further facilitation. It’s not for us to do anything. We’re right in the balance between… We can proceed only to the degree that this light is received. [big breath]
Jack: Yes. Be close to your breathing.
Alfred: The first contact with that green substance is a repulsive, a shocking kind of… But I’m steady with the light. The light has a more stabilizing quality than the unsettling shock of the more external substance.
Alfred: I stay with that.
Jack: Very important, now especially, not to be distracted. The contact with the light is very strong, very powerful, very helpful.
Jack: It is really capable of overcoming anything.
Alfred: Yes. And the feeling awakens too. Feeling gratitude for that – as if the light wishes me to stay with the light. [big breath] [pause]
It proceeds along the spine. The body becomes more illuminated as more and more of the light penetrates. [pause]
Impossible to avoid distractions – distractions diminish the light a little bit but it’s still possible to resume.
Jack: Yes, of course. A certain amount of distraction is inevitable because of how we’re constructed but we can always immediately come back to the light and to what’s taking place.
Alfred: The quality of distraction is like… as if I’m getting to the edge of that river of light, bright light, where it diminishes but then I can almost swim. Or propel myself more to the center of it where the light is much more intense and give myself to that, orient myself to it, be oriented to it. Staying with the pure vibration of that. Nothing else can take any importance. High vibration through the whole body.
The results can be distracting from the need to follow the movement upwards through the light. The results are not of interest at all. There are all kinds of interesting sensations, interesting this and that, which are of no consequence.
Jack: Right. You need to keep your focus. [pause]
Alfred: There is a sense of some shapes in the light. Again and again I have to discipline myself not to dissipate or draw conclusions. Just trusting that this process needs to be followed completely.
Light shades of blue, shapes of my comrades in the same river. Forms that are less and less blue and more and more transparent in that white light. We are totally within that flow. It’s so true.
A kind of doubt whether it’s given to me to complete the journey but I’m just staying with that – not distracted by those self-doubts. I can see where the interruptions may appear. There is no ending to this.
Jack: Right. You just have to keep focused on the light.
Alfred: I can see how the idea is not to claim to be anything. Just to be. I don’t want to come back to…
Jack: We’ve got lots of time. We’re OK. I think we need to do a little more.
Alfred: [voice shaking] Feelings of gratitude.
Jack: Yes this level of contact with the light is precious.
Alfred: It’s all so generous, so limitless. The limit is whatever my limit is. Nothing is restricted about what is available, what is offered.
I need to really see the source of constriction and lack of total availability around the heart. Now it opens up a little more.
I’m seeing that the arteries around the heart could expand more. And the lungs.
Jack: Yes – the two go together.
Alfred: It’s almost as if each cell has to consent to receive this light. It’s kind of voluntary.
In relation to that light, the wishing needs to remain concentrated. It’s the one thing that exists. [big breath] Whew! The feelings! As I move from the light down into incarnation.
Jack: Is the green still present as well?
Alfred: No, it’s long disappeared. It felt like a threshold phenomenon.
It felt like everything on the other side that was threatening and scary doesn’t exist on this side at all.
There is a recognition which is not yet forced on me of having to take a planetary form. Very, very kind of unpleasant constricting…
Jack: Yes, of course in comparison to this…
Alfred: But it also makes it more possible to put on that old shoe. [chuckle]
Jack: Yes, because there’s another perspective that’s still very alive at the same time.
Alfred: I just flicked my eyes open and realized that the outside time and the internal time do not correspond. I’ve been away for eons.
Jack: Yes, yes. There’s a law operating.
Alfred: And there’s no need to force anything – I’m still in the flow. Perhaps it’s a kind of cleansing. Impurities in the shoulders and abdomen just dissolve in this light. The same in the feet. Becoming more raw material from which incarnations are made. I know you understand. Back to the source, to the stockroom. Making beings.
Nothing is lost in abandoning what I previously considered to be myself. It’s a kind of a happiness. It’s much more profound than happiness – joy not happiness.
I very much wish for something to travel back down the journey to inform the being that traveled but that being doesn’t exist now. The attempt to look back doesn’t yield anything. There’s nothing traveling in the opposite direction. Taking notes or sending bits of information back doesn’t do it. The teaching, the knowledge exists solely in the moment of experiencing it. It has absolutely no shelf life. [pause]
And again this relaxation of the forehead. The penetration of the light. And the feeling of being a part. Nothing else.
There is a sense of getting a little more skillful in… I don’t know what it is… but it is affirmed by the light.
Other postings in this series: Bodies, Bluish, The Cosmic Cleanup Team, The Joy of Taking My Place, Rescue & Ascension, A Continuity of Being, Creation, Rescue, The Empty Seat at the Table, Pristine Stillness, What Is Breathing, Merging with the Light)